


so many rules to break

by CaffeinatedCopyeditor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Casteism | Hemophobia (Homestuck), Character Analysis, Character Development, Equius Zahhak lives, Family Bonding, Gen, Meteorstuck, Nepeta Leijon Lives, Please be nice to him, References to canon character deaths, Team as Family, aka equius goes on a magical space adventure and learns to be less rude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29585238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedCopyeditor/pseuds/CaffeinatedCopyeditor
Summary: It is as he is looking up, vision blurring at the edges, that he sees a yellow eye peeking out through a vent. Nepeta looks terrified. His Moirail should never, ever, have to look so upset. She deserves the world.She does not deserve to watch someone die.Equius reaches up, and snaps the cord around his neck.-Equius gets to live, and grow, and learns that maybe the Hemospectrum isn't everything he believed it was.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nepeta Leijon/Equius Zahhak, but like as Moirails
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	so many rules to break

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have an ongoing Davekat fic, but I was listening to the pesterquest ost while writing it, and Equius' theme makes me really emotional okay.
> 
> Warnings (contains spoilers): Casteism, discrimination, depiction of Equius almost dying, thoughts that are semi-suicidal in nature (due to his dedication to the Hemospectrum), extremely fucked up worldview (he gets better but yikes), violence, toxic relationship (they work on it!), injury, swearing, temporary death, blood. Stay safe!
> 
> Enjoy!

For a brief, horrific moment, Equius considers letting it happen.

The cord is around his neck, and he knows what he is supposed to do. Equius never has to think very hard about decisions, because they have already been made for him. There are rules that dictate how a proper troll is supposed to act and, in this case, all he has to do is wait for death.

A small smile finds its way on to his face. Even if his Empire is no more, at least he will die upholding its excellent rules. Purple bloods know better than blue bloods. If Gamzee thinks he should die, then he should. Surely, this is a noble end, right?

It is as he is looking up, vision blurring at the edges, that he sees a yellow eye peeking out through a vent. Nepeta looks terrified. His Moirail should never, ever, have to look so upset. She deserves the world.

She does not deserve to watch someone die.

Equius reaches up, and snaps the cord the cord around his neck. He chooses to live.

%

Nepeta is injured, and crying, but Equius has her, and he is never letting go.

‘I told you to stay put,’ he whispers into her hair. ‘It was foolish of you to disobey me.’

Now that they are safely hidden in one of the many storage closets, he allows himself to breathe. The fight was rough, as is expected when going up against a troll of such an esteemed Hemocaste. Equius was numb through the whole thing. It was easier to ignore the opponent, pretend Gamzee was just another drone, and stick to Nepeta’s side as much as possible. She is an accomplished fighter, and an incredible huntress. When the clown had retreated, bloody, it had been from her claws.

‘Nuhuh.’ Nepeta shakes her head, curls bouncing everywhere. She lost her hat in combat. ‘You’re the big dummy who almost just died.’

‘Ah, yes. Then remind me which one of us has a broken leg?’

Injuries are to be expected when you break the rules, so Equius is not surprised. Even he is covered in bruises from the purple-blood's clubs. Nepeta sniffles again, and Equius shushes her. She cannot afford to be too loud. He does not know where Gamzee limped off to, or what other dangers are residing in the dark. It makes him feel uneasy, especially following his recent actions. Uncertainty is not an emotion he is fond of.

Equius considers, briefly, going in search of an authority figure. That is what he aught to do. Someone out there could give him an order, and he could follow it, and everything would be as it should.

‘Equius?’ Nepeta asks, leaning back so she can look up at him. Her eyes are large and wet, but there is cold steel behind them. She is clearly determined about something.

‘Yes, my diamond?’

‘I know you like rules, but you know that your life is more important, right?’

Truly, he had never considered such a notion.

He rubs anxiously at the forming bruise around his neck, and promises Nepeta he will try harder, because that is what a Moirail is supposed to say.

%

Things progress strangely from there. 

Many of his friends are dead, and then Kanaya is not dead. And then there is a blue human, and Vriska is not dead either. And then there are two more humans, and Aradia, who was dead, and then a whole lot of shouting and then…

Space.

An endless expanse of stars that Equius had always dreamed of being amongst. The fleet was always his goal. It wasn’t so much what he wanted as what he expected, but it still gave him a future to look towards.

Now that everything he knew is destroyed and unreachable, he finds solace in the accomplishment of being here, drifting through the void. He does not know what is expected of him, now, but at least he has this.

He sits on a rooftop with Terezi, who is seemingly thinking very hard about some very difficult things, and Nepeta, who is trying not to cry as she makes tea.

She misses Tavros, and Equius wants to tell her that a bronze blood isn’t worth crying over, but he can’t quite get the words out.

Everyone seems to be grieving, in one way or another, but Equius can only focus on the stars. He gets tangled up in knots when he tries to think about anything else. He is not supposed to care about losing Tavros, but he does. He should feel a great grief over the loss of Eridan, but he does not. His friends were never the sort that he was supposed to have. A whole rainbow of colours is not advised under the Empress' rules. Equius always found it easier not to think about it, for although he loved them dearly, it made him feel deeply afraid. He needed constant reassurance and orders to maintain these connections, to make him feel they had a purpose in his life. Now that he has lost so many of them, he finds that he thinks more and more about what they meant to him.

It seems to him that breaking one rule was enough to send the whole universe crashing down around his horns, and now he is left behind to breathe in the stardust.

‘Its jasmine,’ Nepeta says, pressing a delicate teacup into his hands. She knows how to pass it to him carefully enough that it does not shatter, but he still has to be gentle with it. He wants to thank her.

‘Tea is not the preferred beverage of a true blue blood,’ he says, instead.

It feels as though, with his actions already so wildly out of his control, words are all he has left.

‘None of that shit matters any more,’ says Terezi, as easily as breathing. She offers him an angular grin, as though she wasn’t actively attempting to shatter his entire world view. ‘We’re going to be on this rock for like one and a half sweeps. Might as well just do whatever you want.’

‘Excatly!’ Nepeta smiles. ‘And we can finally hang out propurrly in purrson! It’s going to be pawesome.’

‘You are using even more ridiculous puns than usual.’

‘I’m doing whatever I like, like Terezi said!’ The two girls share a pair of wicked, dangerous smiles. ‘What do you want to do, Equius?’

Equius thinks about it, but he doesn’t know. He drinks the tea.

%

Vriska is apparently in charge now.

Which is almost fine. So close to being correct that Equius can nearly ignore the sheen of sweat across his shoulder blades whenever she gives an order. The anxiety that spreads through him from her demands is negligible, and he tells himself that it is what he deserves for breaking so many simple rules.

The thing is that, technically, Equius is of a slightly preferable hue to her. Equius is stronger, and more mechanically adept, and a worthy combatant. If this were a military situation, he would no doubt be expected to take control.

Except that he doesn’t really want to.

He never studied strategy. Never poured over maps and history books the way Eridan had, or tested out techniques on the ocean like the FLARPers. He always assumed there would be someone to tell him what to do, because there always was. 

Equius has known for a long time that he is a tool for the Empire to use. It hadn’t seemed like something worth objecting to, since that would only lead to a quick death. It was easier to fall in line.  
Now, though, the Empire feels like an ancient thing. Everyone treats it like a history that is not worth preserving, though it only fell mere days ago. Nevertheless, when Vriska orders him to start lugging around boxes, organising the supplies she’s creating, he does so without argument. Its easier, its always been easier, when there is no room for argument.

‘Put your back into it, chucklehead! We don’t have all day.’ She considers that for a moment. ‘Okay, we do, but I’m already bored.’

He has taken orders from those lower than him before. Requested them, even. Its the only way he really knows how to interact with the world. If he is not told to do something, then how is he to know if he is doing the right thing? Blue bloods make for great warriors, but they are not meant to lead. He has always held that fact very deeply in his heart, even as he watched his friends constantly break their own boundaries.

He nods at Vriska's commands, and works harder. His body still hurts from fighting. He wants to go check on Nepeta. He would rather be anywhere but here. 

Equius doesn’t know how to word any of that. He just does what he’s told.

%

Karkat has been avoiding him.

This is not inherently surprising, given the recent news that has spread amongst his friends in the past couple of days. Karkat is a mutant blood.

Equius is pretty sure he would avoid Equius in such a situation, since Equius would be required to kill Equius under the law of the empress. Except that Equius, the theoretical mutant, would also be required to present himself for death under those same rules. Which Equius would probably do, if those rules still mattered at all to anyone other than Equius.

But Karkat isn’t Equius. He’s loud and angry, and less careful now that everyone knows the secret he has apparently been concealing for years. This means that he ends up barging into Equius’ room after only a few days, not in search of death, but in need of a favour.

‘Listen up Zahhak. This human idiot,’ he gestures to the alien behind him, who gives a little wave. ‘is, for some reason, interested in your fucking musclebeast propaganda cartoon. So hand it over.’

Equius has been trying very hard not to think too much about Karkat, or what he would have to do if faced with Karkat. Because, although the hemo-anonymity thing had made him feel uncertain and uncomfortable, Karkat himself has always been a pleasant ally. He was easier to understand than most people, because he did not play mind games or expect Equius to follow commands that had not yet been given. He was equally angry at everyone, and that was a comfort.

So Equius does not move to harm Karkat, or even to insult him. The rules insist that he should, but he does not want to. It makes sweat bead along his brow, and fear well in his stomach, but no drone comes to sweep him away for this insubordination. 

‘My apologies. I do not know which one you are referring to.’

‘The blatant My Little Pony rip off, dude,’ says the human, who’s shades are not as scratched as those Equius wears. ‘Its probably called My Little Troll Pony. I want to make Rose watch it with me.’

Equius clears his throat, politely. Then clears it again. He does not know the right way to respond to a human. Are they below him, due to their blood, or does the consistency of red in their society negate such a claim? This one is of a higher tier, so surely he should be treated as a superior.

Equius does not know, and nerves take hold as he fights to keep composure. Moments like these do not make him feel strong. He just wants to do the right thing, but it is getting harder to figure out what that is, and he freezes up.

Luckily, neither of them are looking at him, because Karkat is conveniently throwing a tantrum.

‘You ass-hatted, nook-neglecting, bulge-blasted, brick-shitter!’ Karkat seethes at the human. ‘I already told you the fucking title, you don’t get to play the innocent fucking alien card every ten seconds and I know I already explained to you that we don’t put troll before everything so how dare you act like…‘

As he rants, Equius wordlessly get up and shuffles through the few belongings he managed to keep from Alternia. They still smell a little like home. Amongst them, at the bottom of a cardboard box that he knows to be unworthy of his station, is his DVD set of My Little Musclebeast, Friendship is a Disease.’

He runs his thumb gently over the cover before he hands it over. Equius once binged the whole thing with that fil-no. That yel- no. With Sollux. 

The pair had stayed up well into the sunrise, discussing blueprints and electronics, until Equius had messed up and said the wrong thing. Lower bloods have different rules, rules that he usually thought to be beneath him, rules that he could never hope to reconcile with the ones he was already following. He had been kicked out into the scorching daylight and only saved by his strength.

Now, Equius wordlessly hands the DVD over to the human, to ensure he does not say the wrong thing. The human gives a short, grateful nod, and then heads off down the hallway with a still ranting Karkat at his heels.

Equius doesn’t quite recognise the feeling that comes afterwards. Its as though he did a good job, even though he had blatantly failed by Alternian standards. It is a bit exhilarating.

He reminds himself, quietly, that Nepeta would be proud. 

%

Equius spends a lot of time alone in his room.

Though he is always happy to spend time with his Moirail, Nepeta is a much more social person than he is, and seems ecstatic at the opportunity to hang out with friends in person. Of course, she is also watchful and hesitant. He is proud of her for this caution but, only a few weeks in to the journey, she seems to have abandoned it. She even greets the humans like old friends, and they both seem to enjoy her company.

After almost half a sweep of alternating between watching the stars and hiding in his room, Equius accidentally finds himself a companion. He does not know if the word friend would be appropriate so he does not dare to use it, but her company is marginally tolerable.

Rose Lalonde speaks in a formal manner that he greatly enjoys, and has a number of intelligent interest that he respects. She seems to find Equius just as intriguing, and is more than happy to talk about ‘horses’ with him for hours on end. She also spends a lot of time with Kanaya, and quietly Equius thinks that she must have excellent taste, because she has managed to pick out the least distressing of his friends. Naturally, if asked, he would claim Vriska to be the better alternative.

He would be lying, which is also against the rules, but those are seeming less pressing by the day.

The other thing about Rose is that her eyes are purple. As a result, Equius always treats her with as much reverence as a purple blooded troll would receive, despite the less than satisfactory pigment that runs through her veins. Perhaps it is incorrect to think of her as superior, but she certainly does not seem inferior. He much prefers being polite than rude, anyway, so it suits him just fine.

‘…which I’m sure you’d find fascinating. The whole show is rather lacking in horses, I’m afraid, though one of the wizards does ride a Unicorn in the second arc.’

‘A Unicorn? I’m afraid I’m not familiar.’

‘Well, that settles it then. We shall have to watch the whole thi- oh. Hello, Nepeta.’

Equius’ Moirail bounds into the room with a grin that has been getting brighter lately. It is difficult to imagine that the death of their planet might have improved her mood so much, but that certainly seems to be the case. She waves enthusiastically at Rose, then comes over to curl up at Equius' side. She seems quite happy just to rest there for a while but, after petting her hair a little, he feels the need to object.

‘Nepeta? Have you finished your training for today?’

‘I’ll do it later.’

‘We need to be prepared for the oncoming battle. You assured me you would train today.’

‘Blehh,’ she groans, standing up. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘You must.’

‘No.’

‘Yes.’

‘Fine!’

Nepeta storms from the room. Rose fixes Equius with a worried look. He does not think she is worried about him.

‘Do you always boss her around like that?’

The question catches him off guard.

‘Yes.’

Rose worries her lip, putting down her knitting in the manner of someone about to commence a council meeting. Equius sits up a little straighter. 

‘Have you put any thought into why you do such a thing?’

‘I am her Moirail. It is my duty to ensure she behaves herself.’

‘I rather think she is capable of that on her own,’ Rose says stiffly. ‘Do you enjoy it?’

‘What?’

‘Pushing her around like that. Do you enjoy it?’

Equius clears his throat, and thinks of how much nicer it would be to have Nepeta still be curled up against him. She always gets so mad when he enforces the rules. He doesn’t like to see her upset.

‘No,’ Equius responds, feeling small for the first time in a long time. ‘I do not.’

‘Then perhaps you should find a better pastime than insulting innocent cat girls,’ says the human.

She leaves it at that, apparently content, but Equius is not. It eats at him long after the conversation has ended. He hates how often he is confused these days. 

He talks to Nepeta about it. Properly, as a true Moirail should. The conversation is difficult and feels nearly endless, but they have had worse feelings jams, and this one at least has a pleasant ending. Nepeta wants him to show his concern, for she enjoys feeling cared for, but would perhaps appreciate him if he did so a little less forcefully. Equius would like her to care for herself more, so that he does not have to feel cruel for enforcing basic need fulfilment. She wants him to let her be more independent. He wants her to show concern for him more often.

They work it out. And when they are done, Equius has a whole new set of rules to follow. He doesn’t mind so much. These rules seems a lot fairer than before.

%

‘Come on, horse dude. There’s fuck all else to do,’ says Dave.

‘No.’

They have all been trying to…involve Equius in something entirely childish.

It only took a sweep for Nepeta to draw everyone in to her silly, fruitless role playing. Though he has been known to indulge her in the past, he draws the line here. This is ridiculous.

‘Dude. Horse dude. Did you miss the part where mine has dick horns?’

‘I did not,' Equius replies, haughtily.

Around him, spread out on the floor of what was probably a lab, are a number of teenagers scribbling wildly on endless sheets of paper. Nepeta claps happily, and shows you her third draft of her humansona, whilst Dave colours his trollsona’s horns bright pink.

You expect Karkat to yell at him for that, but he is deeply invested in his own drawing. Everyone has, apparently, completely lost all composure. They would never have survived the fleet.

‘Come on, Equius,’ Vriska teases, adding an eighth sword to her drawing. ‘I want to see how completely dull and regular you would be as a human. I bet you’d be called something totally boring, like Dave.’

‘Dave is a kickass name,’ says Dave, without looking up. 

This is preposterous. Equius has involved himself in many less-than-ideal activities since Nepeta made them all start hanging out, and even more back on Alternia with the rest of his friends. But there has to be a line. Equius stands up and storms out, surprising even himself. He does, of course, pay special attention not to trod on any of Nepeta’s precious drawings. He does not want to ruin her idea of fun, just because it is not his.

It isn’t until Equius is back in his room that he realises what he has done. He did not engage, simply because he did not want to. Vriska ordered him to, and he denied it, because it was not something he would enjoy.

Oh. Oh no.

Equius should probably go back and apologise. Draw a weird little man and name it Dave and beg for forgiveness. 

But he does not want to, so he does not.

It’s terrifying, but a broad grin spreads across his face all the same.

%

When Equius was younger, he used to make sequences.

Blocks, spare parts, empty juice cartons. He would line up whatever he could in a row, and try to make it as long as possible whilst maintaining a pattern. The pattern was important, though he didn’t know why. He didn’t question it.

Once it was all set up, he would sit solemnly at one end, and flick. One by one, his sequence would topple and fall, each miscellaneous object tipping the next. Once it started, it couldn’t be stopped. The control was entirely out of his hands.

Equius feels very much like that, these days. It only took one rule breaking, one snap of a string around his neck, for the rest to go out the window too. It all seems so pointless, now. He loves his friends, and his Moirail, and he cringes at the thought that he ever imagined them to be beneath him. He understand that there is still a long way to go, but is proud of his progress. Finally, he is proud of something other than his blood.

As the new Earth draws nearer, Equius is very conscious of the battle ahead. It has been so long since he had considered himself a warrior, and he has not even attempted to fire a bow since being on Alternia. Will he be any good in the upcoming fight?

He has to believe so, because Vriska assigns him to the team fighting the Condesce herself. This is a challenging thought, but perhaps not as much of one as it might have been, once. Equius steels himself to fight, and tries not think of the leader he would have happily died for. He thinks instead of the woman who made so many lives miserable. Karkat, Kanaya, Nepeta. They had all suffered at her hands.

Even Terezi and Vriska had suffered at her hands. Even the highblood had suffered at her hands.

Even Equius.

When he faces her, surrounded by friends, his fists are all he needs. Perhaps this does not convey the elegance that one of his station ought to possess. Perhaps…perhaps that was all bullshit from the start.

He strikes. He fights. He dies.

%

He is brought back, by a human, and jumps right into the fray again.

Equius does not have time to consider the significance of his own death, and rebirth. He only has time to duck as violence soars above his head. He wipes his face with a towel, thanks the human, and punches the Empress with all the force of someone who has been holding himself back for far too long.

They win, of course.

Earth C is beautiful. The sky is blue, which Equius still greatly appreciates, and everyone is smiling. It’s a little overwhelming, though he can’t help but join in with the fun. He dances with every member of their strange little party, and does not think about what is in their veins. He is finally free.

%

Today is the one-year anniversary of the defeat of the Empress, and Equius is wearing fuchsia for the occasion. Nepeta finds it hilarious, but adorable. She keeps hugging him tightly, throughout the day. He squeezes her back with the same ferocity.

There is a grateful energy to the air in each one of his friends, this day. They are all too aware that this outcome may not have been theirs, and everyone is keen to cling to it. Dave keeps yelling ‘Fuck the timeline!’ and Equius does not know what he means, but is inclined to agree.

There is a picnic, on a grassy hill with a tree large enough to shade the trolls and moss that blankets the ground like soft wool. They laugh, and talk about the future, and ignore the past even though it is the whole reason they are here. Equius leans his head on Nepeta’s shoulder, and laughs loudly at Karkat’s latest rant. Terezi shoots him one of her wicked grins, and he returns it tenfold, shattered teeth and all. Whenever the attention turns to Equius, he does not shy away from it. He simply rubs his neck, a little embarrassed, but happy to be counted amongst their number.

Every time this happens, he feels that little raised line along his neck, from so long ago. A sign that he had been ready to give all this up for the lies of a society that did not truly care for him. But, more than that, a sign that he did not concede. Equius fought back, and broke every rule, and is so eternally grateful that he did.

The future is uncertain, and the rules are changing every day.

Equius has never been more exited.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Take care!


End file.
